Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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