My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
