I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
