I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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