I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
