I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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