I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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