He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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