i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
