I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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