I can't breathe out the right side of my face
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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