Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
