Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
