Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize