i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
