I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
