At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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