ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
