$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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