he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
