he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
