God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
