i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We left the knife in your bed.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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