thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
