Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
