I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
