Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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