Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(707): View more from California

I haven't been laid since Bush was president.

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(619): View more from California

no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.

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(443): View more from Maryland

So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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(206): View more from Washington

We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.

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(214): View more from Texas

Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.

(714): View more from California

Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.

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