Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize