also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
