What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
