Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
