She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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