Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
