I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
