Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
