I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
