Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
