ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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