So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
