Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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