You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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