Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
