I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
