my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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