matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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