i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
