After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
