Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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