Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
