here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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