All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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