So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
