it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
