She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
