I got chris browned last night
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
