Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
