Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
