I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
