ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
