why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
