I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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