I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
